A little bored, and what else is new…

I am having a very hard time finding motivation to do, well, just about anything. I am halfway moved into my new place, and by halfway, I mean, I have moved half of my things, and they are currently still sitting in boxes and bags strewn about the new place. The other half are still at the old place in various stages of being packed up. I have half a mind to just leave them, but my landlord is the type of person that would sue me if I left anything behind; he is that nice of a guy.

Anyway, I am just wanting to lay in bed and sleep. This isn’t good. I haven’t even gotten my cable transfered, so am pretty much isolated in my bedroom with the laptop. Why do I do this to myself?

Does anyone else feel like the world, this life, isn’t meant to be lived alone? Things don’t seem to have as much meaning when I do them by myself, with no one else to wittness, or experience them with me. But how do I find him? I talked to a really nice, cute guy yesterday at a St. Paddy’s Day party, but it didn’t go anywhere, probably because of my doing; don’t know though. He was only about 23, so that would have been weird too. I am so bad at the dating scene!

People say that I should be enjoying being single. I’m not, and can anyone really, truly say that they enjoy being single? I don’t buy it. Or maybe it is me. Maybe I am just wired so that I want/need to have another half in my existence. I don’t know though.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Nothing Earth-shattering there, but had to get at least a bit of writing in, even if it is only pointless, rambling nothing.

Old Lady Sweet Revisited; Briefly

I want to take another stab at this piece of writing that I was working on a few months ago:

When Old Lady Sweet died they found a chest full of frozen tomatoes. Not canned, or quartered, or macerated in any sort of way, just whole Big Boys and Early Girls, some still on the vine, their skin shriveled and papery as lanterns. And they were solid; froze all the way through the consistency of croquet balls.

Clearing out the icebox and chest freezer fell to the man next door. Nathaniel had lived next to Miss Sweet for near thirty years, exchanging pleasantries, surplus casseroles and zucchinis in August (they both lived alone) and fruit cakes at Christmas. The tomatoes weren’t the strangest thing he’d seen. Peculiar, yes, but folks leaning that way always seemed a bit more interesting, rather than “off.”  He supposed that in a whirl of embarrassment she had bagged them all up and placed them in the freezer, not wanting to unload them on her neighbor already full to the gills with his own Nebraska Weddings—in his opinion, the only tomato worth giving a second thought. She couldn’t just throw them out now could she?

So there they sat. Frozen in threes and fours placed in paper sacks and stacked neatly in the left corner making a tower almost clean to the top. What was he to do with them? He knew damn sure he didn’t want to drop them—that would break your toe quicker than anything.

(It is originally found here.)

This may be my favorite thing that I have written, particularly the first paragraph. But what to do with it? Should something have happened to Old Lady Sweet? That seems a bit conventional. And, she was an old lady. I don’t necessarily want to go killing her off. I was thinking that she died just because she was old. I could make the majority of the story take place in flashbacks…that could be interesting. Maybe Old Lady Sweet and Nathaniel had interesting lives when they were younger. Did they cross? Maybe. Or, I could go a completely different direction. Maybe some young couple moves into Ms. Sweet’s old house, and Nathaniel watches them. Hmmm… Gears are spinning. That’s good.

I suppose I need to narrow in on a time frame for the story. If the two of them were young during WWII, then this would be late seventies/early eighties? I don’t know if I like that. Maybe they were young now, and it takes place in the future (not dystopian or anything like that). Or, just sort of “anytime”. However, I would like there to be something big–a shared experience that they both had when younger. Sort of like Hurricane Katrina for me. Something that happened to many people, that many people who were not directly involved at least knew about and experienced from the outside. WPA? CCC? Right after the Depresssion? So much to think about.

I have no idea where the idea of Old Lady Sweet came from. I woke up thinking about her one morning. I can see the garage. It is in the humid, hot South, surrounded by her immaculate yard (reminds me of how grandpa kept the garage and garden).

Is this how ideas come to “real” writers? Hmmm…

How do I do it?

It seems ridiculous that at 30 years of age, I am still trying to figure it out. I look at people I have known since high school, and they are married, have three kids, own a house, all of that American Dream jazz. So what about me? Am I doing something wrong? Or am I doing something right? Maybe it is just different.

I feel untethered; I don’t know how else to describe it. For as long as I can remember, having someone in my life to share it with has been paramount to my happiness. Is this a bad thing? I don’t think that it has anything to do with my needing someone or co-dependency or any of that sort of thing. It has much more to do with looking back on life with someone and having shared experiences and memories. How sad would it be to look back on life at 80 and not have someone to remember being in Mexico with you and that particularly good meal the two of you shared one afternoon in Memphis? What good are memories if they aren’t shared with another.

I am completely fine alone, but want to share it all with someone; all of the everyday, seemingly inconsequential moments, don’t seem so inconsequential when shared with someone else. I have great friends who love and support me. But somehow, this just doesn’t seem like enough. I don’t want to go through my life alone. (Perhaps I am being a bit dramatic; it has been only a few months that I have been “officially” alone.) I was alone for a good chunk of the time I was “with” Ben. There were so many lies, so much untruth that even when he was there telling me that I was with the person I would spend the rest of my life with, that he would never leave, he wasn’t really there. It was all words and actions to perpetuate the abnormal feelings/thoughts in his mind. He was never just there, with me, in love with me. I don’t want to go through something like that again.

So how do I find this person to share my life with? Or maybe it is my lot to have a life filled with friends, a great career and no partner (that’s how it feels sometimes, but again, with the overly dramatic tone…)? All I want to do right now is hide in my apartment. I should be moving to another apartment, but haven’t had the energy or desire to do so. So, I am surrounded by half-packed boxes, and my things strewn about, this place and the new one. I just can’t get myself to do it. It is moving on. A change of scenery (though only a mile or so down the road). Is that what I am afraid of?

I should be making a plan. Moving my things. Doing something. But what did I do today? I got up at 10:30, packed a few things (at least I did that), spent entirely too much time on Facebook eavesdropping on others’ lives, and then took a nap. How is this a good way to spend my life? It absolutely is not. I need to be making plans. Doing things. It doesn’t particularly matter what, as long as it is something. Something to get the gears greased. I feel like time is slipping away from me. I don’t want to do the same things and wake up in the same place, same state of mind at 40; I didn’t want it to happen at 30 either, but look what happened?

I don’t see how I can be happy without a partner in life. I can be fine, and generally okay, but partnership is one of the things that matters most to me. I know, I know; there will be someone else, and it is good that there isn’t anyone right now, as I would be inflicting all of this onto them, onto that relationship right now. I need to heal, to figure a lot of things out before I can move on to another happy, helathy relationship. And I will get there. I am doing well all things considered.

So enough whining. What am I going to do about this (as if life is just a “this”)? I don’t ultimately want to stay in Boston. I miss New Orleans with all of its crazy problems and charm. I miss my friends there, though I have made a few great friends here. I don’t like the overall feel of Boston nearly as much as I do New Orleans (though I know my thoughts of both palces are muddled right now; that’s why I’m not running away as quickly as I can; I’ve done that before, and well, look where it got me). I’ve come up with some things that I should do, regardless of my next steps.

1. Save money. I would like to have $5000 (and all bills paid off), or $10,000 (without bills paid off), before I make a leap to anything else.
2. Move. I need to move. This week. I have been supposed to do this for a few weeks now, but haven’t for reasons I am trying to divine. (Could it be that it is closure to this place? That it is a real fresh start? Or, maybe I am just lazy?)
3. Keep working. My job is great. The people are great. It keeps me busy, and allows me to step away from my mind for a bit.
4. Keep seeing my friends.
5. Go to North Carolina in April, with my family. Knowing myself, I will try and find a way to not go, to wallow somehow.
6. Indulge in my artistic side. I have not allowed myself a creative outlet for too long (though I have started sewing and making voodoo dolls which helps). I am thinking metal arts classes. Painting. A good way for me to occupy my time too.
7. Start living life like it is mine. I feel so transient right now. I have felt that way for quite awhile. I started to build a life (albeit with Ben) in New Orleans, and then just left it entrusting it to him while I was away. He didn’t care for it, and left it. So, I had to start all over once I moved to Boston. I still don’t feel like I have built a “real” life. I feel like I could leave most of my belongings behind and start fresh again, with little pain. I don’t like this.
8. I want to be busy. I feel like I have been a life watcher for so long; there have been times when I have been living it, but overall, I feel like a watcher. I feel like my grandmother must have felt. I don’t know why I say this, but that is how it feels.

That’s about all that I’ve got for right now.

I started a story

the other day. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know where it came from, but I think it has the guts (the first paragraph anyway) to become something good, maybe even great. Give it a read to see what you think.

When Old Lady Sweet died they found a chest full of frozen tomatoes. Not canned, or quartered, or macerated in any sort of way, just whole Big Boys and Early Girls, some still on the vine, their skin shriveled and papery as lanterns. And they were solid; froze all the way through the consistency of croquet balls.

Clearing out the icebox and chest freezer fell to the man next door. Nathaniel had lived next to Miss Sweet for near thirty years, exchanging pleasantries, surplus casseroles and zucchinis (they both lived alone) and fruit cakes at Christmas. The tomatoes weren’t the strangest thing he’d seen. Peculiar, yes, but folks leaning that way always seemed a bit more interesting. He supposed that in a whirl of embarrassment she had bagged them all up and placed them in the freezer, not wanting to unload them on her neighbor already full to the gills with his own Nebraska Weddings—in his opinion, the only tomato worth giving a second thought. She couldn’t just throw them out now could she?

So there they sat. Frozen in threes and fours placed in paper sacks and stacked neatly in the left corner making a tower almost clean to the top. What was he to do with them? He knew damn sure he didn’t want to drop them—that would break your toe quicker than anything.

Practice Makes Perfect

I have been getting ready for my big interview on Friday. I am interviewing for a position as an IT trainer at a law firm in Boston. I am very excited about the interview.

So anyway, I have had this job before, albeit at a much smaller firm, so I feel pretty prepared. That said, as part of the interview I have to do a presentation on the Microsoft Office topic of my choice. I chose Word styles as my topic. It is a big topic, but a very important one for avid Word users, especially those in the legal setting.

I don’t really have anything else on my brain right now, so I though I would go ahead and practice right here. This is basically how I see my presentation going:

Microsoft Word Styles

(I of course have a much fancier title, with graphics too!, but for the blog Heading 3 will simply have to do.)

• Introduction
  • What are styles?
  • Why do I want to use styles?
• Where do we find styles?
• How do I use styles?
  • Applying existing styles
  • Creating styles
    • From formatted text
    • From scratch
    • Modifying a existing style
• Extras
  • Shortcut keys
  • The importance of paragraph marks
    • Extra paragraph marks
  • Style organizer

• Review

And that’s about it. Of course I have more information in between. And a pretty kick-ass handout covering most of the highlights–it’s pretty to boot!

I also have a document showing different styles that I will use to show where to find styles, how to use them, etc., live in class. I hope I am not choosing a topic that is too elementary. Obviously the people I am going to present to are going to know just about anything that I have to say about anything Office-related, so I thought I would start with one of the essentials.

I am planning on spending the bulk of my day practicing my presentation tomorrow; I am such a procrastinator–definitely a great New Year’s resolution–I will not procrastinate any longer. (Remember, I am still a few days away from my New Year.)

Thursday I spend most of my day traveling; ’tis a long flight from Boise to Boston. And bright and early (okay, not really) at 9am Friday I present. I have my lovely pinstriped suit, a new corporate blue button-down with French cuffs, and a great new pair of pointy heels to wear. The overall look is quite professional. I am excited to have something to dress-up for again!

Anyway, I am practicing my eyeballs out. I want to do very, very well!

I guess bullets don’t work very well here at WordPress? Or is it operator error? They look great in my post-editor…

Snow

It used to snow here; I remember. When I was a kid, I remember being at my grandparents’ house and walking up the sidewalk to the front porch with walls of snow on either side. Of course, this was from my grandfather “scooping the walk” and allowing the snow to pile up on the sides, but the walls were higher than I was tall, and I have always been tall.

I remember one snow storm where my sister and I were playing in the yard across the street from my grandparents’ (these people didn’t have any children to play in the snow piled in their yard, so my sister and I did the job for them). Anyway, the neighbors had huge juniper bushes on either side of the door, and they were completely hidden under the drifts of snow. My sister and I spent what seems like an entire day excavating the bushes from the snow.

There were always a couple of snow days every year; the plow-trucks simply couldn’t keep up with the snow. There was always plenty of snow for snowmen, and the main color of the landscape was white, not sandy brown.

Once I was in high school, and throughout college and so on, the snow didn’t seem to come any more. Rarely was there even enough snow to worry about brushing it from the car windows before leaving in the morning; let alone “scooping the walk.” But things are different this year; the snow has returned.

This is my first winter in Idaho in a few years, but the snow is definitely back. Of course the accumulation doesn’t seem quite so grand, but I don’t know if this is because there is less snow or I am a grown up. My sister commented on the “scoop truck” (she is 26, “scoop truck” an artifact of our childhood) driving in front of us the other day. My nephew has had a snow day this school year, and it is only January. I have actually shoveled snow twice in the last month or so, and each night when I make my way to the RV from the big house, I have to don boots, rather than my normal slippers.

My favorite part of snow is the sleep that it brings. There is nothing so peaceful as sleeping during a snow storm, and waking up to a world softened by a sweet, sparkling coat of snow. I don’t even know how to describe it, but it is more than quiet; it is what I imagine the peace to sound like.

And, since I am currently sleeping in the RV, a few scant inches away from the metal ceiling, the snowy sleep I have had the last few nights has been divine. The snow falling gently (it is never hard, regardless of how strong the wind blows) on the metal roof, and the clear, plexi-glass vent is the most comforting, peaceful sound I have ever heard.

I am throughly enjoying my time in the trailer right now. I spend my time in the big house until bed time when I make my way out to the RV. I don’t use the heat in the RV, but have an electric blanket. It feels amazing to sleep in the crisp winter air bundled under my electric blanket, on top of a featherbed with the sound of the snow falling so lightly; some nights I am almost tempted to open the vent above my bed and let the snow fall on me. But I don’t; that would somehow ruin it all.

Oh, and tonight, there is a full moon and a crystal clear sky. Have you seen what it looks like when the ground is covered in snow and the moon is lighting the world? It is almost as bright as a slightly cloudy day. It is amazing; something you should certainly see at least once.

30 Days

In 30 days I will by 29. I always give myself until my birthday to officially start my new year. This one is going to be tough. I am nowhere near where I thought that I would be when I turned 29. Here are the facts:

• I am single (I feel spinsterdom sneaking up)
• I am heartbroken (and it is really hindering by progress more than I thought it would. I really, really, really believed he was the one, and don’t want to let go of that… I want to hold onto hope. Silly, I know.)
• I am unemployed.
• I live with my parents again.
• I am depressed.
• I am in debt.
• I am overweight.

But on the positive side of things (I try really, really hard to believe there is one…)

• I am really smart.
• I have been heartbroken before (though not this badly) and survived it to love again.
• I have $2000 in savings, enough to get me started at something new.
• I can lose weight.
• I can become happy (the most important step in all of this I think).

So what am I going to do about all of this? I don’t really know. I am applying for so many (30?) jobs everyday, just to find something, somewhere different from here. I don’t really care where said job is, just somewhere other than here. I have had a few leads so far, so all is not bad on the job front, and it is the week of Christmas.

I am so frustrated with the guy (that one). He wants to talk to me almost everyday. I miss him so much. He must miss me if he talks to me all of the time, right? I think that all he wants from me is to be more independent, and I am trying, but when do I get to reap the rewards? When will I have done enough? I get so many mixed signals from him. I just want to scream. Maybe I just won’t talk to him anymore. Maybe that would be easier. I want us to be together again. Silly, isn’t it? But half of me feels like it is missing without him.

Why does it have to be like this? I just don’t understand. I want a concrete answer. But I can’t have one. That’s that.

Since the Peace Corps plan fell through, this is what I am planning, I think.

1. Move. Houston, Austin, (I like Texas), or somewhere else warm.
2. Get a job (hopefully before I move).
3. Make some friends.
4. Take some classes.
5. Learn to weld.
6. Learn to play golf.
7. Play some sports.
8. Go to law school.
9. Forget about him.
10. Find someone new (or him, don’t know) and fall in love again.

I feel so weak and silly that love matters this much to me, that I can’t just do. Never have been able to.

I will just keep on keepin on.

No More Job…

I was laid-off today. Right before Christmas. Nice. It seems as though the company is going under, or almost. My departure was apparently one of a few adjustments to the budget. Not that I was happy there, or wanted to stay at all, but still; it stings when someone doesn’t want you for no good reason. Merry Christmas (insert any expletive you like) to you too!

OK, Ok, Okay

Which one is right? Are they all? My least favorite is OK. Even when written in a non-email/chat/text message format I think it is loud. It conveys a sense of annoyance or exasperation at the least and tones of utter hostility at the worst. (This is of course all determined by context, and maybe just my crazy brain.)

Ok is a little better, but most applications, this one included, think that this is incorrect. Ok with initial caps simply won’t do. Interestingly, when I hover over and control click the initial caps Ok, the loud mouth version is not even a suggested replacement. Here are the options I am given to correct my misspelling:

• k
• O
• ck
• pk
• bk

How are any of these choices better than the initial caps Ok? ck, pk, and bk don’t even make sense, and k and O are simply letters. Why isn’t OK one of the choices? Things that make you go hmmmm. (hmmmm is also misspelled. According to WordPress or FireFox, not sure which one, I am trying to spell ohmmeter. Right.)

My preferred okay (Tokay is apparently what I am trying to spell says WordPress/FireFox) is the spelled out version. Most applications think that this isn’t a real word, but I don’t care. It is in my opinion the best (and only real) way to spell okay. It is more genteel, it has grace. It is a word, not an abbreviation, not two letters rammed together as a shortcut. It is in short, the right way.

What do you think?

Tokay = famed Hungarian wine. Who knew? Other than spellchecker that is.

Big Post Full of Nada

So now that I have uncovered a used to be passion, what do I do? Well, I have done a couple of things, but it doesn’t seem like nearly enough. As always, I am impatient. Here is what I have done so far:

I have applied for a job with the RNC. I just used the form on the website, but I wrote an excellent cover letter and polished my resume until it glowed prior to submission. So that is good. I also looked around the Web quite a bit just to solidify the notion in my head a bit. I emailed the Canyon County Republicans and the Idaho Republican Party to let them know that I am available for volunteering. (All my liberal friends, don’t hate me!) So I have at least put out an initial effort, but like I said, I am impatient. I want the recruiters to come banging on my motorhome door at 5 in the morning asking me if I can relocate to Iowa or New Hampshire that very morning. I want to be in the think of it. I want to be where the excitement is.

What about the Peace Corps you ask? Well, that is still the main plan. The RNC plan is backup, and something to do in the meantime, because I know that it is something I want to be involved with long after the Peace Corps experience is over (or so I think anyway). Speaking of the Peace Corps, I had my final required recommendation submitted today. So that means that my application is officially off for the approval process! Hooray! I know, I know; it will take forever. But at least I have done all that I can to see it off.

I didn’t go to work today; the roads were too slick this morning so I turned around home. I don’t know if they were actually that slick, or that my two years in Louisiana has done some damage to my winter driving skills. Either way, it was too slick. Sure, it cleared by noon, but I chose to stay home and work on freelance projects instead of sitting in my gray cubicle staring idly into the nappiness of the cubicle wall. (I love my job! I love my job!) Positive thinking is the only way to accomplish anything!

Although I got a lot of work done that needed to be done, I didn’t exactly accomplish anything on the me front. I wanted to use today to further explore all of the things that I have been exploring for awhile now; the house was actually quiet, and the fireplace was warm, an afternoon absolutely ripe for doing such a thing. But I didn’t. Should have, but I didn’t.

It is very cold tonight. I am still in the motorhome. I like it out here, but it is cold. I am sleeping in sweats and socks under several blankets, one of which is of the electric variety, on top of a feather bed. My little cocoon is quite warm, but anywhere outside is frigid. I do have a heater, but it is not strong; my mom things I will perish in a fire with anything stronger. The motorhome is old, and the cold air simply seeps in. I love it. I love that it is freezing cold yet I am warm. I have always liked sleeping in the cold so much, and now I get to do it every night!

That was a big post full of nothing; no realizations, no news, nothing. But that’s okay. Sometimes that’s what life is. Take joy in the small things!