How do I do it?

It seems ridiculous that at 30 years of age, I am still trying to figure it out. I look at people I have known since high school, and they are married, have three kids, own a house, all of that American Dream jazz. So what about me? Am I doing something wrong? Or am I doing something right? Maybe it is just different.

I feel untethered; I don’t know how else to describe it. For as long as I can remember, having someone in my life to share it with has been paramount to my happiness. Is this a bad thing? I don’t think that it has anything to do with my needing someone or co-dependency or any of that sort of thing. It has much more to do with looking back on life with someone and having shared experiences and memories. How sad would it be to look back on life at 80 and not have someone to remember being in Mexico with you and that particularly good meal the two of you shared one afternoon in Memphis? What good are memories if they aren’t shared with another.

I am completely fine alone, but want to share it all with someone; all of the everyday, seemingly inconsequential moments, don’t seem so inconsequential when shared with someone else. I have great friends who love and support me. But somehow, this just doesn’t seem like enough. I don’t want to go through my life alone. (Perhaps I am being a bit dramatic; it has been only a few months that I have been “officially” alone.) I was alone for a good chunk of the time I was “with” Ben. There were so many lies, so much untruth that even when he was there telling me that I was with the person I would spend the rest of my life with, that he would never leave, he wasn’t really there. It was all words and actions to perpetuate the abnormal feelings/thoughts in his mind. He was never just there, with me, in love with me. I don’t want to go through something like that again.

So how do I find this person to share my life with? Or maybe it is my lot to have a life filled with friends, a great career and no partner (that’s how it feels sometimes, but again, with the overly dramatic tone…)? All I want to do right now is hide in my apartment. I should be moving to another apartment, but haven’t had the energy or desire to do so. So, I am surrounded by half-packed boxes, and my things strewn about, this place and the new one. I just can’t get myself to do it. It is moving on. A change of scenery (though only a mile or so down the road). Is that what I am afraid of?

I should be making a plan. Moving my things. Doing something. But what did I do today? I got up at 10:30, packed a few things (at least I did that), spent entirely too much time on Facebook eavesdropping on others’ lives, and then took a nap. How is this a good way to spend my life? It absolutely is not. I need to be making plans. Doing things. It doesn’t particularly matter what, as long as it is something. Something to get the gears greased. I feel like time is slipping away from me. I don’t want to do the same things and wake up in the same place, same state of mind at 40; I didn’t want it to happen at 30 either, but look what happened?

I don’t see how I can be happy without a partner in life. I can be fine, and generally okay, but partnership is one of the things that matters most to me. I know, I know; there will be someone else, and it is good that there isn’t anyone right now, as I would be inflicting all of this onto them, onto that relationship right now. I need to heal, to figure a lot of things out before I can move on to another happy, helathy relationship. And I will get there. I am doing well all things considered.

So enough whining. What am I going to do about this (as if life is just a “this”)? I don’t ultimately want to stay in Boston. I miss New Orleans with all of its crazy problems and charm. I miss my friends there, though I have made a few great friends here. I don’t like the overall feel of Boston nearly as much as I do New Orleans (though I know my thoughts of both palces are muddled right now; that’s why I’m not running away as quickly as I can; I’ve done that before, and well, look where it got me). I’ve come up with some things that I should do, regardless of my next steps.

1. Save money. I would like to have $5000 (and all bills paid off), or $10,000 (without bills paid off), before I make a leap to anything else.
2. Move. I need to move. This week. I have been supposed to do this for a few weeks now, but haven’t for reasons I am trying to divine. (Could it be that it is closure to this place? That it is a real fresh start? Or, maybe I am just lazy?)
3. Keep working. My job is great. The people are great. It keeps me busy, and allows me to step away from my mind for a bit.
4. Keep seeing my friends.
5. Go to North Carolina in April, with my family. Knowing myself, I will try and find a way to not go, to wallow somehow.
6. Indulge in my artistic side. I have not allowed myself a creative outlet for too long (though I have started sewing and making voodoo dolls which helps). I am thinking metal arts classes. Painting. A good way for me to occupy my time too.
7. Start living life like it is mine. I feel so transient right now. I have felt that way for quite awhile. I started to build a life (albeit with Ben) in New Orleans, and then just left it entrusting it to him while I was away. He didn’t care for it, and left it. So, I had to start all over once I moved to Boston. I still don’t feel like I have built a “real” life. I feel like I could leave most of my belongings behind and start fresh again, with little pain. I don’t like this.
8. I want to be busy. I feel like I have been a life watcher for so long; there have been times when I have been living it, but overall, I feel like a watcher. I feel like my grandmother must have felt. I don’t know why I say this, but that is how it feels.

That’s about all that I’ve got for right now.

Practice Makes Perfect

I have been getting ready for my big interview on Friday. I am interviewing for a position as an IT trainer at a law firm in Boston. I am very excited about the interview.

So anyway, I have had this job before, albeit at a much smaller firm, so I feel pretty prepared. That said, as part of the interview I have to do a presentation on the Microsoft Office topic of my choice. I chose Word styles as my topic. It is a big topic, but a very important one for avid Word users, especially those in the legal setting.

I don’t really have anything else on my brain right now, so I though I would go ahead and practice right here. This is basically how I see my presentation going:

Microsoft Word Styles

(I of course have a much fancier title, with graphics too!, but for the blog Heading 3 will simply have to do.)

• Introduction
  • What are styles?
  • Why do I want to use styles?
• Where do we find styles?
• How do I use styles?
  • Applying existing styles
  • Creating styles
    • From formatted text
    • From scratch
    • Modifying a existing style
• Extras
  • Shortcut keys
  • The importance of paragraph marks
    • Extra paragraph marks
  • Style organizer

• Review

And that’s about it. Of course I have more information in between. And a pretty kick-ass handout covering most of the highlights–it’s pretty to boot!

I also have a document showing different styles that I will use to show where to find styles, how to use them, etc., live in class. I hope I am not choosing a topic that is too elementary. Obviously the people I am going to present to are going to know just about anything that I have to say about anything Office-related, so I thought I would start with one of the essentials.

I am planning on spending the bulk of my day practicing my presentation tomorrow; I am such a procrastinator–definitely a great New Year’s resolution–I will not procrastinate any longer. (Remember, I am still a few days away from my New Year.)

Thursday I spend most of my day traveling; ’tis a long flight from Boise to Boston. And bright and early (okay, not really) at 9am Friday I present. I have my lovely pinstriped suit, a new corporate blue button-down with French cuffs, and a great new pair of pointy heels to wear. The overall look is quite professional. I am excited to have something to dress-up for again!

Anyway, I am practicing my eyeballs out. I want to do very, very well!

I guess bullets don’t work very well here at WordPress? Or is it operator error? They look great in my post-editor…

Snow

It used to snow here; I remember. When I was a kid, I remember being at my grandparents’ house and walking up the sidewalk to the front porch with walls of snow on either side. Of course, this was from my grandfather “scooping the walk” and allowing the snow to pile up on the sides, but the walls were higher than I was tall, and I have always been tall.

I remember one snow storm where my sister and I were playing in the yard across the street from my grandparents’ (these people didn’t have any children to play in the snow piled in their yard, so my sister and I did the job for them). Anyway, the neighbors had huge juniper bushes on either side of the door, and they were completely hidden under the drifts of snow. My sister and I spent what seems like an entire day excavating the bushes from the snow.

There were always a couple of snow days every year; the plow-trucks simply couldn’t keep up with the snow. There was always plenty of snow for snowmen, and the main color of the landscape was white, not sandy brown.

Once I was in high school, and throughout college and so on, the snow didn’t seem to come any more. Rarely was there even enough snow to worry about brushing it from the car windows before leaving in the morning; let alone “scooping the walk.” But things are different this year; the snow has returned.

This is my first winter in Idaho in a few years, but the snow is definitely back. Of course the accumulation doesn’t seem quite so grand, but I don’t know if this is because there is less snow or I am a grown up. My sister commented on the “scoop truck” (she is 26, “scoop truck” an artifact of our childhood) driving in front of us the other day. My nephew has had a snow day this school year, and it is only January. I have actually shoveled snow twice in the last month or so, and each night when I make my way to the RV from the big house, I have to don boots, rather than my normal slippers.

My favorite part of snow is the sleep that it brings. There is nothing so peaceful as sleeping during a snow storm, and waking up to a world softened by a sweet, sparkling coat of snow. I don’t even know how to describe it, but it is more than quiet; it is what I imagine the peace to sound like.

And, since I am currently sleeping in the RV, a few scant inches away from the metal ceiling, the snowy sleep I have had the last few nights has been divine. The snow falling gently (it is never hard, regardless of how strong the wind blows) on the metal roof, and the clear, plexi-glass vent is the most comforting, peaceful sound I have ever heard.

I am throughly enjoying my time in the trailer right now. I spend my time in the big house until bed time when I make my way out to the RV. I don’t use the heat in the RV, but have an electric blanket. It feels amazing to sleep in the crisp winter air bundled under my electric blanket, on top of a featherbed with the sound of the snow falling so lightly; some nights I am almost tempted to open the vent above my bed and let the snow fall on me. But I don’t; that would somehow ruin it all.

Oh, and tonight, there is a full moon and a crystal clear sky. Have you seen what it looks like when the ground is covered in snow and the moon is lighting the world? It is almost as bright as a slightly cloudy day. It is amazing; something you should certainly see at least once.

30 Days

In 30 days I will by 29. I always give myself until my birthday to officially start my new year. This one is going to be tough. I am nowhere near where I thought that I would be when I turned 29. Here are the facts:

• I am single (I feel spinsterdom sneaking up)
• I am heartbroken (and it is really hindering by progress more than I thought it would. I really, really, really believed he was the one, and don’t want to let go of that… I want to hold onto hope. Silly, I know.)
• I am unemployed.
• I live with my parents again.
• I am depressed.
• I am in debt.
• I am overweight.

But on the positive side of things (I try really, really hard to believe there is one…)

• I am really smart.
• I have been heartbroken before (though not this badly) and survived it to love again.
• I have $2000 in savings, enough to get me started at something new.
• I can lose weight.
• I can become happy (the most important step in all of this I think).

So what am I going to do about all of this? I don’t really know. I am applying for so many (30?) jobs everyday, just to find something, somewhere different from here. I don’t really care where said job is, just somewhere other than here. I have had a few leads so far, so all is not bad on the job front, and it is the week of Christmas.

I am so frustrated with the guy (that one). He wants to talk to me almost everyday. I miss him so much. He must miss me if he talks to me all of the time, right? I think that all he wants from me is to be more independent, and I am trying, but when do I get to reap the rewards? When will I have done enough? I get so many mixed signals from him. I just want to scream. Maybe I just won’t talk to him anymore. Maybe that would be easier. I want us to be together again. Silly, isn’t it? But half of me feels like it is missing without him.

Why does it have to be like this? I just don’t understand. I want a concrete answer. But I can’t have one. That’s that.

Since the Peace Corps plan fell through, this is what I am planning, I think.

1. Move. Houston, Austin, (I like Texas), or somewhere else warm.
2. Get a job (hopefully before I move).
3. Make some friends.
4. Take some classes.
5. Learn to weld.
6. Learn to play golf.
7. Play some sports.
8. Go to law school.
9. Forget about him.
10. Find someone new (or him, don’t know) and fall in love again.

I feel so weak and silly that love matters this much to me, that I can’t just do. Never have been able to.

I will just keep on keepin on.

No More Job…

I was laid-off today. Right before Christmas. Nice. It seems as though the company is going under, or almost. My departure was apparently one of a few adjustments to the budget. Not that I was happy there, or wanted to stay at all, but still; it stings when someone doesn’t want you for no good reason. Merry Christmas (insert any expletive you like) to you too!

Big Post Full of Nada

So now that I have uncovered a used to be passion, what do I do? Well, I have done a couple of things, but it doesn’t seem like nearly enough. As always, I am impatient. Here is what I have done so far:

I have applied for a job with the RNC. I just used the form on the website, but I wrote an excellent cover letter and polished my resume until it glowed prior to submission. So that is good. I also looked around the Web quite a bit just to solidify the notion in my head a bit. I emailed the Canyon County Republicans and the Idaho Republican Party to let them know that I am available for volunteering. (All my liberal friends, don’t hate me!) So I have at least put out an initial effort, but like I said, I am impatient. I want the recruiters to come banging on my motorhome door at 5 in the morning asking me if I can relocate to Iowa or New Hampshire that very morning. I want to be in the think of it. I want to be where the excitement is.

What about the Peace Corps you ask? Well, that is still the main plan. The RNC plan is backup, and something to do in the meantime, because I know that it is something I want to be involved with long after the Peace Corps experience is over (or so I think anyway). Speaking of the Peace Corps, I had my final required recommendation submitted today. So that means that my application is officially off for the approval process! Hooray! I know, I know; it will take forever. But at least I have done all that I can to see it off.

I didn’t go to work today; the roads were too slick this morning so I turned around home. I don’t know if they were actually that slick, or that my two years in Louisiana has done some damage to my winter driving skills. Either way, it was too slick. Sure, it cleared by noon, but I chose to stay home and work on freelance projects instead of sitting in my gray cubicle staring idly into the nappiness of the cubicle wall. (I love my job! I love my job!) Positive thinking is the only way to accomplish anything!

Although I got a lot of work done that needed to be done, I didn’t exactly accomplish anything on the me front. I wanted to use today to further explore all of the things that I have been exploring for awhile now; the house was actually quiet, and the fireplace was warm, an afternoon absolutely ripe for doing such a thing. But I didn’t. Should have, but I didn’t.

It is very cold tonight. I am still in the motorhome. I like it out here, but it is cold. I am sleeping in sweats and socks under several blankets, one of which is of the electric variety, on top of a feather bed. My little cocoon is quite warm, but anywhere outside is frigid. I do have a heater, but it is not strong; my mom things I will perish in a fire with anything stronger. The motorhome is old, and the cold air simply seeps in. I love it. I love that it is freezing cold yet I am warm. I have always liked sleeping in the cold so much, and now I get to do it every night!

That was a big post full of nothing; no realizations, no news, nothing. But that’s okay. Sometimes that’s what life is. Take joy in the small things!

In Memory of Cutes

A lovely lady passed today in Texas. She fought cancer very hard for quite some time. She fought for those she loved even harder (and even longer). She was surrounded by those she loved most when she left. Now she can rest. I am so happy that I had the chance to meet her.

My heart goes out to the family. She will be in my heart always.

Trent who?

Today during the incredibly monotonous drive after work, I once again fell into a freeway coma. I was listening to Only by NIN (which is, I think, one of their best. Comes close to Head Like a Hole, Down In It, etc.) and my mind began to wander as it generally does during freeway coma time. I was thinking about seeing them at Voodoo Fest right after Hurricane Katrina. The event organizers gave all of the relief workers (and I don’t know who else) free tickets. It was awesome! They were incredible. Queens of the Stone Age rocked too. I thought about this band, and that band. The video for The Perfect Drug with its masterful rendition of Victorian/Gothic England, or at least my version there of; I swear that Rochester is about to top one of the moors in the video. (I could spend hours analyzing the video; absinthe, Orientalism, and so sexy.) Johnny Cash singing Hurt and making me bawl; and the video; ridiculously good, better even than the original (sorry guys). And how sexy Trent Lott had looked in person, now that he had been hitting the gym…

Trent who? Yeah. In my head I was calling him Trent Lott, Republican senator from Mississippi. I’ve had politics on the brain, but I didn’t think it had done any damage…

Braggart

Disclaimer: I usually don’t get all wobbly-kneed around celebrities.

So, Brad Pitt wants to build 150 green homes in New Orleans’ lower ninth ward. It is in all of the papers. I knew about this, well, I think it has been a year ago now. What a fantastic opportunity to showboat my Brad Pitt story!

Anyway a year ago give or take, I was working at the swanky law firm in New Orleans. For some reason the heartless lawyers hadn’t yet stolen the windows from the IT Department; we had the best windows in the building. (Right before I left, there were plans to remodel the IT Department into partner offices and conference rooms, shoving the IT Department into cubicles. I told my boss I would quit if I lost my window. But I quit well before that.)

The IT Department was on the second floor of six, and had incredibly lofty 25′ (?) windows with gorgeous arches at the top. The building was built nearly a century ago (more?) and was once the city hall annex (morgue and all. One of the partners’ offices used to be the elevator shaft that carried bodies to the fifth and sixth floor morgue. Always liked that story). Anyway our windows, and my desk in particular looked across a narrow alley way to a famous hall where weddings, press conferences and that sort of thing are now held. It too used to be part of the city hall, and the buildings are in fact joined by “bridges” on two of the floors. Melissa and I would always stare boldly out the window into those of the hall to watch the staging of various parties, conferences and so on.

Melissa heard that Brad Pitt was in town; hell, I’m sure that most everyone knew he was in town (before he bought a house there). Anyway, he was there to announce a new project he was becoming involved in to bring homes back to the Lower Ninth Ward. Generally, I could care less about celebrities, and Brad Pitt was no different. But then something changed. As the day went on, we saw a lot of traffic, and then we heard that Brad Pitt was going to be in the building behind ours! How exciting we thought. But then, we saw someone come in and setup a makeup station. And then, nothing happened. We went about our work, and saw some guy come in, and Oh my God! it was Brad Pitt! We couldn’t really see him, and he wasn’t in there too long, but it was him.

So the press conference happened, Melissa and I went outside to stalk him, but then came back in. He came back in the room. This time he was there for awhile, pacing, he actually cared about what he was talking about it seemed. Suddenly, every legal secretary in the building was at my desk. Yelling. Screaming. Waving. It looked like the Beatles on Ed Sullivan. Either we made a loud enough ruckus, or he looked our general direction, I don’t know. But he came up to the window (about six feet away) and waved and flashed his movie star smile at us. It was neat, but the stodgy legal secretaries’ reactions were even better.

Eventually Brad left the room. Melissa and I again went outside to stalk him. The crowd had died down substantially; there were literally only seven or eight people waiting. And we had an idea; he was probably going to come out the side door (by our building) where no one else was. We figured out which car was waiting for him, watched it, and made our move. Suddenly Brad Pitt was right there, maybe a foot from us. My God! He was handsome! I made eye contact with him. (Maybe this is too much information, but oh well.) I don’t know why, but from my eyes, he kept moving down; he was checking me out! I know. Generally this is a skeevy guy move that happens more than I like to admit. But this was Brad Pitt. He goes home to Angelina, Angelina, Who? No, but seriously; it made my confidence soar, and my boyfriend was pretty proud too. I got checked out by Brad Pitt; doesn’t matter what he thought upon the checkout (I am sure he only thought marvelous things), it still happened.

For days after, Melissa and I couldn’t stop talking about it, literally. Everyone in the law firm wanted to know what he looked like so close. We told them. Except for the checking out part. It was so silly. Melissa and I caught up in our fantasy world… And then, Melissa had this dream about him mowing her lawn, and walking up behind him, and touching his chest, and… . Well, you get the idea.

Interestingly (to me anyway), Brad Pitt’s house was a street over and a couple of blocks toward the lake from my house on Esplanade (I think anyway). Alas, I never became best friends with Angelina. No dinner parties…

Thinking about the Peace Corps…

I am a computer nerd at heart. As much as I have tried to get away from it I can’t; it’s me. I love learning new things in every program imaginable, just as much as I love lying on my back wiring a network to full connectivity. When Hurricane Katrina happened, I had recently been laid-off from Hewlett Packard, and was feeling very badly about myself. But Katrina was too big; it snapped me out of my funk, and drove me to do something. As soon as I heard about what had happened, I logged onto the Internet to find out how I could help. To my surprise, I was quickly contacted by the local chapter of the American Red Cross. I explained that I didn’t have much money to donate but that I had plenty of time. I was signed up for volunteer training the very next day.

Initially I was trained to work in Sheltering and Client Casework (or some similarly named groups); almost every volunteer was being trained in these fundamental disaster relief areas, and my chapter didn’t have a technology volunteer group, so I didn’t even know it existed. When I arrived in Louisiana, it was amazing, in good and bad ways. The damage done by the storm was horrific, but the volunteer response was uplifting. Since almost every volunteer on the disaster was assigned to client casework or sheltering, there was a lot of waiting. While waiting for assignment, I noticed some people wiring a network. What was this? Other nerds? So I walked over to take a look.

This is how I was introduced to the Response Technology Group. I asked if I could help with anything, and in fact they needed several volunteers. I worked with the group for the day, and was asked to join that function by the end of the day. So began my nine months in response technology with the Red Cross. I was euphoric; I could actually help people with my nerdiness?

During my time with the Red Cross, I worked with amazing volunteers from all over the world who were working toward the common goal of helping people rebuild their lives after Hurricane Katrina. I learned so much from others, and know that I taught many people many things. Many of the volunteers coming to the disaster had never used a cell phone, let alone a computer. As part of my work with the Red Cross, I taught grandmothers in their nineties how to make functional Excel spreadsheets; I taught Americorps members how to wire networks. It was amazing.

Since my time with the Red Cross, and specifically during the last year, I have been trying to focus on what I really want out of life; what will really make me happy; which path my life should take. Through this searching I have figured out a few things: 1) I crave helping people; my world is not right unless I am giving back, helping someone. 2) I am a computer nerd; it is me, I may as well be happy with it. 3) I am good at teaching people, and really good at teaching people about technology. 4) I crave experience with other cultures; I have spent my life (aside from my two years in Louisiana) Idaho. Idaho is great, but it is small potatoes (I am funny!); there is so much more to the world. The two years that I spent in Louisiana were amazing; the culture is very different than that of Idaho. I enjoyed very much learning about and interacting with the people, taking part in cultural traditions such as Mardi Gras, and of course eating all of the wonderful Cajun and Creole foods.

Through the soul searching I have done (and I have really, really been searching for the past little bit) I think that serving in the Peace Corps is the next step in achieving my life’s goals; those that I know of anyway. I am at a crossroads in my life; the crossroads. I have finally figured out (I think anyway) the path I should take; this path began with the American Red Cross and Hurricane Katrina, and will be continued with Peace Corps service. Where will it go after that? I haven’t a clue; I only know that service with the Peace Corps is right, is home. The Peace Corps encapsulates all things that make me me; it is where I belong, where my skills work the best, where I am at peace, where I am at home.

But maybe the Peace Corps (And the Red Cross was too?) is running away from my life? I wonder this sometimes. I think the feeling comes from that American Dream ideal that is supposed to be the aim of every good American; well that just doesn’t work for me, yet the draw to it is magnetic, unconscious; we cannot escape it, or can we? I want to, I need to. I would not be happy in this life, I would be settling and selling myself short. Because of the perfunctory draw of the American Dream, anything that is not it, feels itchy, wrong; that is why I sometimes feel that I am running from my life (you know, the one with the two kids, house in the suburbs, etcetera, etcetera…). But its not; for me, for someone I love very much; it is just not it. Its a shame that I felt like I had to live that life; it is a same that anyone feels that pressure. But there are those that love this life, that would live no other. I do not look down on them, no I almost envy them. To those that are really, truly happy, I wish them well. I however, could never be happy in that life, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I was.