I moved back to New Orleans, and you grabbed a hold of me tighter. Why must you do this? Why won’t you let me go? First you pulled me in by pointing out that you wanted me in your life. That there were holes in your relationship. You gave me hope. You were committed to her, but saw room for me as well. There was room for all of us. I was hopeful. My heart softened to you again, not completely, but it was beginning to. And then, well, you are fickle.

Now, you want to be my friend. That is all that you want. You want to see my life fulfilled. You are committed to your current relationship, and saying that there could be a future for us would be a breach of that commitment. So, as soon as I slowly let you back in, as I let my heart begin to expand for you, and most importantly, to hope, you took it away.

I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to be a side dish. I don’t want to give you this. You chose to live your life without me. You chose her. I don’t know what has prompted you to rethink the having me in your life, but I don’t think you get that. People break up because they don’t want the other person to be a part of their life. You moved on to her. You don’t get me too. You don’t get to define a role in your life, currently that of a friend, and place me in it. I am so much more than that, and I deserve more.

What about my feelings? You told me that I am willing to throw out the baby with the bathwater by not pursuing “only” a friendship with you. I deserve more.

Yes, we do need to heal somethings between us. However, if I am going to heal our relationship in order to have a “healthy” relationship with you, I am going to do it so that I get what I want. I will not settle for being your friend. I am never going to be okay with her. I am not going to go to your wedding. I will not see your children. I do not want these things with you. How can you expect me to? How can you ask me to? Don’t you see how ridiculously painful this is to me?

And “training,” how dare you think that I should attend with her there? There is nothing wrong with me. And, there is nothing wrong with my not wanting to attend if she is there. I do not think my experience would be open and fulfilling if she is there. She will stand in the way. She has told me as much. I considered attending because of my feelings for you. I do not