My dear friend Louise commented on my earlier slightly irate (No!) post about not being able to feel good with the place I am in right now, or be patient planning, waiting, for the things that are important to me.

Louise asked me to define successful for myself. Hmmm… I didn’t think it would be so hard. I guess that although I have never really put my finger on it, success to me has always been (and mind you this has only been in the background, it is not something that I have worked toward or anything like that) that inane American Dream version of success; house in the suburbs, two cars, two kids, dog, cat, jobs that pay well, etc.. This is the default version of success for most people my age (or at least I think it is). Because I had never defined success for myself, I guess this is the version of success that I was driving toward (I am guessing it was there in the back of my mind because this version of success is crammed down your craw at every turn); crept right in there. Ridiculous.

I know for a fact that this American Dream would never in a million years make me happy. I had my chance at that dream (more than once) and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But something held me back; and now, I am so utterly happy that I didn’t take that road; for me all that is at the end of that path is a big old Dead End sign. (Did you see/read The Hours? Remember Julianne Moore’s character? That would be me; hopped up housewife trying to escape her dream turned nightmare.) As silly as it seems, this revelation is just now coming to me. Sean and Louise (much smarter and wiser than me.), always told both Ben and I how lucky we were that we were going through this struggle to find what truly mattered and made us happy (really, really happy) as individuals now rather than later; having a quarter-life (okay, slightly beyond that) crisis rather than a mid-life crisis. It is awful to be wrapped up in the middle of it right now, but they are right; this would be so much harder if I had already started down the traditional American Dream path, and then found myself miserable and had to regroup. (Or, how sad would it be if I never came to this realization? Never found out who I was? Never followed my true way?) Now there aren’t kids, dogs, and houses; responsibilities in the way of letting me find my happiness. And there is the benefit of finding my true path early on, and not having all of the muck left behind by taking the wrong road the first time.

I sort of wavered from success to happiness there. But you know what? That is what success is to me; being happy with myself. Having confidence in myself. Being me. Loving me. Showing the world that I love me. Success to me is being happy with who I am. Happy with myself, my place in the world, all of me. This is such a hard thing for me to do. Why? I don’t have a clue. I just know that I have to do it; no one is going to do it for me, and until I am happy with myself, I won’t be happy with anything else. I have to start at home.